Happy Feet

“Good foot massages!

Very happy that there were no happy endings as there was a dude massaging me!”

*Thanks ta Jeffery @ Prismindex.com for finding this dorky review*

Bar fly

“I live above this bar.  I hear a lot of things. 

Vanessa or Shamessa,  your man is a dog and went home with your best friends sisters cousin from Tampa.

Troy, congratulations for drinking 99 beers on the wall and then puking on my steps.

Lady that sang “Total eclipse of the heart”  at 2am, my key is under the potted plant.  aparement 34B.”

Nobody puts Beta in the corner

“This place is always out of their copy of Dirty Dancing.  I wish they would buy two. 

The manager is always trying to get me to settle for Dirty Dancing Havana Nights but he doesnt know how much of a true Swayze buff I am.

I used to go here when it was all VHS maybe even some BETA (not to age myself!) but the selection has gone down since those days.”

Youre the man now dogg

“The man at the Dog stand is a hooot!  He came out of retirement and took over the cart after his son ran off to get married to the lady that sells hemp necklaces downtown.

He gets super excited when he piles on the toppings saying “OH YEAH!”  like he’s the elderly Emeril.

He used to be an engineer but says that selling the hotdogs is the best job he’s ever had.  Don’t order extra onions.  They make him cry.”

Mother Clutcher!

“my clutch completely burned out out of nowhere on the middle of a highway!  After witnessing the stupidity of local tow trucks missing my car repeatedly on the Central Florida Greenway, I had to deal with the cold-hard dishonesty of slithery snake-like people at the dealership.  

My car was only 15 months old.  Any sane person knows that there is no way a clutch would burn out in 15 months.  It’s insane.  It was obviously faulty parts.  My car was still under warranty.  Those slime bags tried to tell me that it was my fault because I “raced the car too much.”  I couldn’t believe what they had told me.

 I know that in no way does seeing a burned out clutch indicate anything forensically about how it came to pass.  Truth be told, I have never raced a car in my life! They just assumed that since I had a fast car that I would be part of those groups on South OBT racing every night.

 They were going to try to make us pay thousands for the clutch and renege on the warranty. Well, that didn’t fly with me.  I immediately contacted my lawyer, she contacted them, and in 15 minutes hallelujah, they call me saying, “Good news, we’ve decided we’re going to be nice with you on this one and cover the damages.”  HAHA.

 They were trying to keep the blame on me and cover up the obvious fact that my lawyer scared them into doing the ethical thing.  Now, my GPS knob is mysteriously  broken.  I treat my cars with the utmost respect and have never had a problem with my 3 previous cars.    This  dealership is simply the most dishonest dealership I have ever witnessed.  I will never work with them again, acknowledge them again, or brake if I see them crossing the street.”

To be or not to be.

“Last week I bought a first class pair of FAKE RAY BANS from here. 

At first, the replicas are INTRIGUING and seem kinda REAL, as they come with seemingly legitimate labeling and a case. Upon further inspection, all of the features Ray Bans are characterized by are completely SKETCHY at best.   You can find them for $5-7 a pair wholesaler from China. They come with the same sketchy labeling and case.  Save yourself some money and grief… . And if you already bought them, GET YOUR MONEY BACK!  She issued me a full refund.”

Boo-Yah!

“My Boo always treats me right by getting my nails done here.  They have hundreds of colors to choose from and Twon does a perfect job of giving me my own customized nail design every time I see him.

We are goin on a cruise soon so I had a tropical night life scene done.  I don’t know how they manage to get the detail on  my tiny little nails, but they do it right and my Boo is always lovin’ his back scratches after my session! Heyyyyyyyyy!”

Duane Wang

“Not all Hooter’s girls are created equal.  I took my Son here for his 16th birthday, cause he is a man now and I wanted to give him a sneak peak at the finer things in life. 

Wrong-O…. the wing sauce must put more than hair on your chest cause our Gal’s stache put my poor boy’s stubble to shame! 

Eh, the wings were good though and I let him sip my beer when no one was lookin’  just so he could sleep at night.”

Who wrote the book of Luv?

“I luv this bookstore.  it is a great way to get away and enjoy some quiet.

unfortunately i got dumped by my boyffriend of six months for a girl in my chemistry class… p.s. (they DO not have good chemistry at all)  anywhooo this place gives me some peace of mind away from that drama and you can enjoy the best hot chocolate ever while you read.

the only pain in the butt is sometimes there is this crotchety old lady that thinks she has a chair on lockdown here.  i made the mistake of sitting in it while she was away and got the whole “whooo is sitting in my chair”  goldilocks bit….

Bonus: the Barista boy is pretty sweet and always puts extra goodies on my drinks.  *sigh*”

The dishes areNt done, MAN!

“Nnnnnoooooo if i wanted to eat at a place with dirty dishes and silverware i would eat at my fat uncle Terry’s house.  my glass had a bright pink lipstick smudge, the silverware had remnants of pasta parmagenre’ and there were cheerios under our table from some previous baby with bad cereal taste.

i felt like taking my shoes off and resting them on the table just to fit in with the ambiance that was set.  for the prices they charge i think they could purchase a rot-a-rooter and a couple boys with dishpan hands.

Won’t be back.  i can only imagine what the back of the house looks like. Shheeeeeesh!”

Lady vs Latte’

“First, the positive….. the coffee tasted great before it was watered down.

My friend and I stopped in here earlier on the way to the Street Food Fest.  It was the only coffee place in sight.  

The guy working the counter seemed like he was high.  My friend ordered an iced something-or-other, and he seemed a little put-out to have to make it.  I ordered an iced mocha and was told that he could not put the Ghirardelli chocolate mix in an iced drink, because it stays too powdery.

 I assumed this must be because he is adding cold milk to hot espresso and the cocoa mix won’t blend.  This wouldn’t have been a problem except that when he made my drink, the espresso was hot and the milk was steamed….. the easy answer in my mind would be to add the chocolate powder before the ice, so the powder will blend with the drink.

 I ended up settling for an iced latte.  Note: Adding a few ice cubes (which melted immediately) to a hot latte does NOT make it an iced latte.  Maybe this drink should be made with cold milk??  Just a thought….. I’ll stick with Starbucks next time.”

*Thanks a latte to Sarah for this post*

I’ve got friends in low places

“Now THIS is a dive.  Booze and karaoke 7 nights a week, and everyone seems to know each other, like some strange, extremely dysfunctional family.  

My girlfriend and I came here on a whim one night.  One last drink to cap off the evening, the kind you always regret in the morning.  Somehow that one drink turned into 3, and I found myself on the stage singing Johnny Cash, and enjoying a standing ovation.  A not-so-petite woman followed me up with a drunken rendition of “Red Neck Woman”, to equal applause.    

We had entered a world where shame had no meaning, and everyone felt free to be their hard drinking songbird selves.  The bartenders were quick and helpful, and one even sang a song through a hands-free mic while at the same time serving us drinks.  Although I was indeed hurting in the morning, my clothes smelling of stale smoke and karaoke dust, I would definitely come here again.  Also, it helped that the check came out to under $20 for the whole night.”